Our early post-concert memories include our friends and family congratulating us on our performance. As a kid, it was nice to be done and have a good reason to snag a couple of brownies.
As we progressed, people we didn’t know began greeting us after our performances. Sometimes there were interesting conversations about the program – or that guy telling us about the time he heard someone famous perform the same piece we just did – but, “you were good too.”
“Gee, thank you so much.”
You might have learned from these conversations that it’s uncomfortable when you’re not sure what to say or how to act. The small talk we associate with social gatherings is often unsatisfying. We keep falling into the same-old-same-old conversations and come to believe it’s a story we can’t do anything about. It is what it is.
Eventually, as a professional musician, you might be asked to reach out to certain people, or to chat with a certain so-and-so at an event, or to “just mingle” (no more brownies for you!). Of course, no one tells you what to say, adding to the discomfort.
You might have been thinking, “Hey, this isn’t my job!”
Time to step up
What if it is your job? Perhaps you are the leader now. You and your team created this event. The program is over and what’s needed now are conversations with purpose, conversations that build relationships and create new possibilities.
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” Marcel Proust
The good news is that you can create a new story. You get to decide what you want and how you’re going to be the person you want to be. With practice, you’ll learn what to do and what to say.
What do you want?
As an arts leader, what you want may be pretty straight forward – you want people to attend your concerts and you want them to provide financial support. When and how to ask is awkward – so much that somebody might helpfully suggest, “so, what’s your ‘ask’?”
It’s awkward because you know that what you want is only half the equation. What do they want? What do they care about? Is there a meaningful overlap between what each of you wants?
On reflection, what we want isn’t so straight forward. Sure, we want people to buy tickets – but they don’t just want to attend a concert – not really. What’s inspiring for them is the possibility of a transformational experience. And what motivates us is to create that very experience.
And, while nobody wants to just give money away, they will “invest” in someone who can create experiences that are deeply meaningful to them. Especially experiences many others will benefit from.
When we cultivate a mindset that supports mutual learning – deep learning about shared cares and values – we leap from transactional to generative conversations. Conversations that are not about what I want or about what you want, but about what we want.
Showing up
Carl Jung said that it’s the privilege of a lifetime is to become who we truly are. Sometimes when we’re stepping into the role of conversation leader, we’re invited to become something more than what we were before. We can choose consciously to bring forth aspects of our selves that create outcomes that are important to us.
Showing up means bringing a posture that balances stability and openness. An open posture supports an attitude of curiosity and caring. These are physical, emotional, and energetic states that feel safe and approachable to others. From this stance, we can choreograph satisfying conversations.
Dance moves
Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve often felt that I’m dancing around what I want – want to say or want to ask for. Then, when I’m ready, the moment disappears. I’m worried about saying the wrong thing and blowing my chance. Or, I’m thinking that if I don’t ask, they won’t say no – if they don’t say no, I won’t feel rejected.
The invitation here is to learn some dance moves to skillfully speak to what we care about and learn what others care about.
To do this, the first thing is to be mindful of how we’re pacing the conversation and when we must lead gracefully.
How do you lead? Gently, but with intention. Imagine the typical dead-end conversation about the weather (been there, right?). Lead the conversation with something more meaningful like, “when the weather is rainy, what do you love to do?” This creates a possibility of learning what’s important to someone.
This “what do you love?” dance move is a way to offer to do something. The most generous something we can do for someone is to listen to them. Similarly, a skillful move like, “would you like to tell me about your first musical experience?” creates a meaningful connection based on background.
Or, the something we can do is share information: “would you like to learn more about …? It’s important to seek permission and only do something when our offer is accepted. If these moves are too abrupt, try a preparation like, “I’m curious … ,” or, “would you mind, …?”
Another move is to ask the other person to do something for us. We might want them to listen to us. “I’d like to tell you about an upcoming project, is that ok?” The purpose here is to create awareness of something you think will be relevant to them.
When we want to learn something, we might ask, “would you be willing to tell me about what you’re most looking forward to this season?” Or, “what other causes do you support/care about?” Or, “what other arts events do you attend?”
It seems counterintuitive but empowering our conversation partner with choice deepens the relationship. When you lead with respect, I follow, and we discover a new future together.
When we’re dancing as we, we’re co-creating instead of waiting to make the “ask” and we can begin to let go of our fear of rejection.
Take action
If a “next step” is appropriate, be clear on exactly what it is and confirm each person’s commitment (what, who, when, why, and how).
“As you asked, I’ll email you two weeks before our concert. I’d be delighted to see you there.”
“Thank you for offering to introduce me to Andy. I look forward to receiving your email. If I don’t see anything in two weeks, would it be ok for me to check-in?”
It’s important that the “next step” is relevant and valued by the person receiving something. It’s tempting to follow up with our agenda, ignoring theirs. If you’ve cultivated a “we,” tend to it carefully. Don’t spoil it with junk offers. This is also true when asking for help. Only ask for help with something where there is a known shared interest.
If you’re not sure of the best next step (or if there is one), play with a “what if?” question. “I’m wondering, what would it be like for us to continue this conversation over the phone in two weeks?”
Practice
Set your intention – Know what you care about and what needs to be tended to. Cultivate the kinds of conversations required to serve this. Listen with openness and curiosity.
Be mindful of your presence – How are you showing up? What posture, energy, and mood will create the kinds of relationships you want?
Extend a balanced effort – permit yourself to make mistakes. Be willing to explore something new.
If these practices or dance moves resonate, I encourage you to incorporate them into daily life. Doing so will create the muscle memory you’ll need during those higher-stakes conversations.
“Sometimes you have to play a long time to be able to play like yourself.” Miles Davis
