Think back to a conversation you had that didn’t go so well.Perhaps you weren’t at your best. Maybe you were distracted - focusing on other things, too quick to interrupt, or you were thinking about what to say next. In any case, you just couldn’t seem to gather the presence of mind to be properly and fully engaged.We’ve all been there. As for me, I’ve had a tendency to fixate on something and try to analyze or solve whatever problem someone is talking about. Next thing I knew, I was lost in my own head — and that created distance between me and the other person.Face it, sometimes we’re half-listening and our minds wander when others are talking. Even when we’re making a real effort to pay attention, our minds can linger or jump ahead. We listen to respond rather than to understand. Or, an emotional response affects our ability to be our best.This isn’t to suggest that any of us are regularly completely zoning out. But, we do so more than we think and people are very perceptive of the slightest disconnect and unconsciously assess our caring, engagement, and trustworthiness. People who are noted for being charismatic or having “leadership presence” tend to be those we sense as being fully present and engaged.How can we develop the presence needed to engage more effectively? Consider mindfulness as a way to practice being fully present when it really counts.Mindfulness? Ok, if your news-feed is like mine, it seems every other post is about mindfulness. What is it, how to do it, or what the benefits are? Is mindfulness really a cure-all?Perhaps not, but think of it this way: many of us go through our day on auto-pilot. Meaning we're actually more mindless than mindful. When this mindless, out-of-body way of being becomes a habit, we become less present to those around us and less engaged in important conversations.Worse, we may come to find out that paying attention - even when we're trying - is more difficult. We're not listening as well as we should and this negatively affects all kinds of relationships.So, if you could, wouldn’t you choose to be more mindful?According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness means "paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” Paying attention this way is an opportunity to live more fully. This isn’t just about meditation or sitting quietly in the morning.A mindfulness exercise is a way to practice paying attention in the way we might practices a backhand in tennis, scales on a piano, or a basketball jump-shot. We practice so we can perform when needed.A mindfulness exercise goes something like this:
Sit in a comfortable place resting your hands on your knees or thighs. You may prefer to close your eyes gently.
Begin with a few deep ‘cleansing’ breaths, then allow your breathing to find a natural rhythm.
Bring your attention to your breath - in, and out. You may choose to count to 10 on the out breaths. in, and out - one, in, and out - two, etc.
Focus on the breathing keeps us in the present moment. Don’t worry if your mind wanders - it will. This is where the ‘non-judgmentally’ part comes in. Acknowledge the thoughts that come and return to your breathing.
Maintain this attention for as long as you choose. Feel free to use a timer and it’s perfectly ok to begin with a brief practice of say a minute or two.
There are limitless variations on this format and you may create your own or use a variety of recordings or apps to help you. An important thing to remember is that our minds wander naturally. And when this happens, it’s best to let go of any judgment or assessment of how well or poorly we’re doing.In fact, when we notice that our mind has wandered and we bring our attention back to the present moment, we’ve done it. This is the practice. As we do this over and over again (notice - return, notice- return – every time non-judgmentally), we cultivate our ability to be present.This practice supports us in conversations with others. How? We notice when our mind has wandered and return to the present more quickly. And, as we’ve practiced this non-judgmentally, we don’t beat our self up. We’re not creating another conversation in our head about not being present!How to bring mindfulness to conversations?First of all, resolve to become more present in conversations. I like to remind myself to adopt an appropriate posture. A posture where I’m grounded and seated in a balanced way with my feet planted on the floor, and I’m aware of my breath (I may even notice ‘in’ and ‘out,’ if I need to).Notice when your mind has wandered and practice returning non-judgmentally. Be especially aware when an emotional response to the conversation affects your presence. If you need to, speak to what’s happened to you. “Pardon me, something else just came to mind, can you say that last part again?”When I’m present, I’m attentive with those “good listening skills” I’ve made an effort to cultivate. I don’t get lost in my own thoughts or think about how to respond. However, and most importantly, I can interject or interrupt the conversation in a positive manner rather than absentmindedly.Take action:
Resolve to be more present in conversations.
Apply mindful practice to developing this presence.
Practice being present in all types of conversations. Don’t just key-up for the “important” ones. It takes practice. So, be present for those everyday conversations - with the cashier, the barista, the security guard.
What possibilities do you see for yourself by being more present in conversations? I invite you to let me know how you’re improving conversations in your life.Be well,
