Retirement (aka our third chapter) represents, for many, significant possibilities for our time and potential energy. This series – click herefor part 1 – is about taking a fresh look at what this new chapter means to us and reassessing what we want. To realize a fully satisfying life, it’s worth reimagining the future in a new way: to reimagine retirement.To do this, we’re considering practices in three areas: The Inner Game, The Outer Game, and Creation. The Inner Game – here – is about self-examination and self-awareness. What is truly important to us, and what do we want from life. This post, The Outer Game, is about conversations. Communicating with and coordinating our lives with others. And Creation is about living a purposeful life.Unless we intend to live as a hermit, our retirement will involve others. As we cultivate greater awareness of our feelings and desires and begin to create a vision for our future; what’s next is to open conversations with others. We may wish others just understood us already. We even assume or expect that they should know what we’re thinking and feeling. When others don’t act on these unsaid things, we’re disappointed and feel let down. Of course, they are no more mind-readers than we are. And they are focused on their own journeys.
Patrick and Alice are looking forward to a satisfying retirement. They both worked hard on successful careers and raised a happy family. Patrick is especially excited about some interesting trips and more time for golf and fitness activities. Alice too is grateful for being able to spend more time on her passions and with grandchildren. Patrick and Alice have a good relationship but most of their conversations are about planning what’s next instead of what’s meaningful, and their time together is spent going places and doing things instead of creating what’s purposeful.
They each have things lingering in the back of their minds. Important conversations to have – but they’re a bit reluctant to begin because “life is good – why rock the boat?” As they’ve each thought about what’s most important for their own personal development, they’re not sure how to express these things or how the other might feel about what they should say. Let’s talk.
Seek first to understand, then be understood.” – Steven Covey
We’re talking here about conversations for later – “I’ll bring that up later.” Of course, before we know it, later is now. So, we need to consistently engage in more direct and sincere conversations. Sometimes they’re easy – even routine – like planning the next vacation. Others may be more complex, such as where to live in relation to children and grandchildren. Still, others may be truly difficult.These most difficult conversations; however, may be the most enriching and relationship-affirming. We resist starting – often, we don’t know how to start. But when we share what’s truly important and our deepest desires and invite others to do the same, we set the stage for real growth. The range of these conversations is limitless and may include managing time together; mutual and individual self-development; relationships; and priorities for resources, such as time, energy and money.To begin, we can request an opportunity to talk. There is a time and place for everything, so It may make sense for this to be planned. It can start with a conversation about a conversation. Depending on the relationship, we may want to convey a feeling of lightness, tenderness – whatever may put the other person at ease. Maybe avoid the “we need to talk” opening.In turn, we can offer the possibility of a conversation to another. Perhaps we’ve put off or resisted a conversation they’ve wanted to have. We may even state our sincere intention to practice listening in a new way.Powerful conversations require both effective speaking and listening. When we speak clearly and sincerely from the heart, others can learn what’s truly important to us. Whole-hearted listening is active listening;– and more than just active, it’s mindful, maintaining complete presence and connection with the other person. It’s caring, curious, and without judgment.Powerful conversations lead to deeper understanding and create the foundation for agreements which, in turn, are the basis for coordinated action and co-creating a shared future.With practice, harder and even dreaded conversations become possible, more productive, and life-changing. Challenging topics such as aging, loss, and grief, and end of life decisions are more open and sincere.I welcome your feedback and invite you to a conversation about how this might be relevant to you.Be well,